Premature Ejaculation – A Satire

According to a pioneering new study published yesterday in The Egalitarian Journal, most American law enforcements suffer from premature ejaculation.  The 8-year study, conducted by prestigious researchers at Harvard University of Connecticut, has finally resolved the dilemma of gunshot wounded, innocent citizens and pets.  The data obtained has shattered traditionally accepted theories that police officers use their guns due to prejudice or self-defense.  “The findings demonstrated a correlation impossible to disprove, between the police officer’s gun possession and the need to pull the trigger”, said Dr. Zweistein, the leading author of the study.  “The existence of an urge to shoot has conditioned these individuals, hindering them from analyzing and evaluating the situation first”, he added.   Zweistein explained that through the use of highly advanced technology, provided by Apples Inc., they were able to watch every move of a randomly selected population.  The evolutionary computers were connected through apps to each individual’s phone device, which include sensors to detect any vital or emotional fluctuation.  The researchers observed the police officers brain movements prior to, and after the shooting had occurred.  Both interns had provided great insight to the study and suggested, that maybe the problem wasn’t intentional, but rather subconscious or physiological.  This allowed the researchers to give the study guidelines a twist and finally lay their eyes on what had stayed unseen for almost a decade.  They had been too focused on the brain, leaving other parts of the body unstudied and almost missing an innovative discovery.  “We noticed that the majority of police officers approaching contact with a citizen or involved in a dispute, had a blood pressure increase.  The blood level decreased in the brain area and they experienced an increase in one of their extremities”, said Zweistein.

These findings lead to an experiment in which different artifacts were given to the officers to find out if there was any object-reaction relationship.  “The results were impressive.  This blood-compensation phenomenon happened exclusively when a gun was placed in their extremities”, Zweistein shared with enthusiasm.   He confirmed to the reporters that through the predisposition of holding their guns in their hands, the avoidance to let go is almost impossible.  To demonstrate the team’s findings, he provided reporters with a visual diagram of the results and a demonstration.  While simulating a routine scenario, Officer Spritz calmly handled the situation, while holding a banana, showing normal brain activity on the computer screens. After replacing the object with a gun, the same scenario was reenacted.  This time, the computer showed a body temperature change and reduced brain activity, followed by several shots.  “I don’t know what happens. It’s as if my brain just shuts down and all I can think about is releasing the pressure I feel in my hand”, Officer Spritz explained.

When asked if there is any cure or a way to avoid this fatal reaction, Zweistein suggested, “The law enforcement departments should have mandatory courses for their employees.  This way, they would be trained to control this condition and reverse it by learning how to use their brains.“  Next month these courses will be implemented in every district across the country, in which professionals will implement classes to promote critical and logical thinking.  This will help the police officers to gauge every situation individually and know how to react accordingly.  The instructors will stimulate their brain activity and help them control the premature ejaculation with their guns until it completely disappears.  “In the end, it is not a disease, but more so a learned behavior or side effect to unpreparedness“, Zweistein concluded.


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